Emotional role-modelling: how you learn to manage your feelings
Have you ever noticed that you cycle through so many different emotions in one day? You may be frustrated when you are stuck in traffic, excited for a friend’s birthday, or saddened by a loss. Do you ever consider how you got the instructions to manage all these emotions?
Yes, there is a biological element to everyone’s capacity to manage emotions (https://www.cloverpsychology.com/resources/are-you-an-orchid-daisy-or-tulip) but environment factors are equally important in determining how you cope in different situations.
Emotional regulation is often learnt in developmental years. When children are regulated, their nervous system feels safe, balanced, and ready to interact with the world as it is coming to them.
How do you learn to regulate emotions?
In ideal circumstances, children develop the skills to regulate emotions over time with the support of their primary caregivers. Caregivers use a warm, calming presence and verbally acknowledge distress. This modelling of behaviour can moderate arousal and create a sense of safety against emotional and physical danger. Essentially, this is co-regulation, as someone else helps a child regulate their nervous system (emotions). For instance, imagine a parent rocking a baby, singing a song, or holding them when they are crying. Or a parent who meets a toddler tantrum with validation, nurturance, and patience. From these experiences a child learns that their emotions are valid (i.e., what I am feeling is important) and strategies to regulate their nervous system. Eventually they become an adult who has the skills to regulate their own emotional experiences.
Sometimes, however, this is far from reality. Perhaps your parents had their own challenges or weren’t aware of these skills to be able to teach them. In most circumstances, parents do their best with what they know at the time.
It is often the case that physical needs and education become the focus of attention for caregivers. Unfortunately, this means that sometimes, consciously meeting emotional needs is less of a priority. When this occurs, children do their best to learn from their environment. What they see is what they do. For example, if you observed a caregiver engage in behaviours to avoid (i.e., overeating, perfectionism, people pleasing, over working) or fight (i.e., aggression, controlling behaviours, big outbursts) their emotional states, it is likely that you will internalise this and cope with your emotions similarly.
Core vs. defensive emotions
Alternatively, you might have learnt to hide your core emotions behind defensive emotions. For example, if you feel uncomfortable with experiencing sadness, you might cover it up with anger and frustration towards others. The trouble with this is that only when you experience a core emotion fully (rather than a defensive emotion), you can come back to a space of clarity and calm. That being said, the emotions you haven’t learned how to process in childhood can be frightening to access, regardless of age.
If you learn how to access these core emotions, you become more resilient and able to face challenging situations due to the increased confidence to move through it emotionally. This naturally results in a deeper sense of connection to yourself and the people around you.
Some questions to consider in how you process emotions:
How did your caregivers react when they had strong emotions?
Did they lash out at you, or did they distance themselves from you?
How do you express your emotions when you are triggered?
How can you better support yourself during those times?
References:
Hajal, N. J., & Paley, B. (2020). Parental emotion and emotion regulation: A critical target of study for research and intervention to promote child emotion socialization. Developmental Psychology, 56(3), 403–417. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000864
Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-regulation Across Development: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services.